Orstrayins All Let Us Recoil - If You're Not A Lleyts Fanatic You're A Buncha Drongos

Sydney Morning Herald

Saturday January 29, 2005

RICHARD HINDS

Scene: The daily tactics meeting of the Fanatics at the front bar of the Feral Wombat Hotel. Chairman Bazza has the floor.

Bazza: Ooright, Ooright. Settle down, ya buncha galahs. Let's start with the roll call. Dazza, Shazza, Macca, Jacka, Kyles, Trev, Davo, Spider, Duncs, Willo, Neddy, Brucey, Lizzy, Mickey, Scotty and Charles Augustus the Third. Everyone here?

Shazza: Naahh, hang on, mate. Where's Tezza?

Bazza: Ah, well, we have some bad news there, Shazza. Unfortunately Tezza was caught clapping when that Argie hit a running, double-fisted backhand through his legs from behind the backdrop that passed Lleyts for a clean winner the other night. Obviously, clappin' the opposition is completely against the spirit of the Fanatics so it was decided a couple of months in Woomera wouldn't do him any harm. Just to show him how lucky he is to live in this great, wide, brown land of ours.

All: Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Oi! Oi! Oi!

Bazza: Ooright, let's get down to business. This is obviously a big match for Lleyts and we'll need to get the boy pumped up early. Any suggestions?

Macca: Why don't we start with the "Super, Super Lame - Super Lame Hewitt!" chant?

Bazza: Macca, how many times do I have to tell you? It's "Super Lleyton Hewitt". Honestly, if you didn't own the Esky I'd tear that sacred gold T-shirt off your back and make you go and sit with the Swedes.

Macca: Aw geez, mate, don't do that. Those Swedes are so annoyin' the way they shout in the middle of the game all the time and put the other players off.

Jacka: What about we get the ball rollin' with a big, rousin' version of the national anthem? "Orstrayins all let us rejoice!" Brings a tear to me eyes every time.

Trev: Yeah and it sorts the crowd out early. We know anyone who doesn't stand when we sing the anthem must be un-Orstrayin and we can give 'em a touch-up. Like we did to that Spanish bloke Corretja.

Bazza: I'm with you on that one, fellas, but unfortunately we've had a bit of bad press. Those know-nuthins in the meedya reckon that, and I'm quotin' here, "The sight of a bunch of beer-bellied louts mindlessly belching out the national anthem is a scene more suited to a Nuremberg rally than the court-side seats at a supposedly civilised tennis tournament." I've never been to a Nuremberg rally but I'm guessin' the drivers there mustn't have liked it. But bugger the meedya, let's stick it up 'em!

All: Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Oi! Oi! Oi!

Bazza. By the way, whose shout is it?

Macca: I think it's my turn to shout. "Ohhhh Lleyton Hewitt's magic, he wears a tragic hat!!!"

Bazza: It's magic hat, you idiot. Now just get the beers in. Everyone else, given it's a special occasion, our poet laureate Willo has come up with some exciting new material to spur on the little champ. Let's hear it, mate.

Willo: OK. I've done this one to honour Lleyt's new sheila, who won that dancin' comp on tele. It's to the tune of Waltzin' Matilda. Here we go: "Waltzin' with Beccy, waltzin' with Beccy, Lleyts'll be waltzin' with Beccy by tea."

Duncs: Awww, geez, mate. I've got a bit of a tear in me eye. Patriotic and romantic. You're a real wordsmith you are.

Bazza: Don't be soft, Duncs. Now, next on the agenda I've got a letter here from the tournament organisers. Apparently, a few of the people have complained that they've paid a hundred bucks for tickets only to have us stand up and block their view at the end of every point. Any thoughts on how we can solve this problem?

Kyles: Give Amanda Vanstone a ring and have them spend a bit of time with Tezza?

Spider: Stand up for the whole match and stick it up 'em?

Macca: Stay in our seats and just respond with encouragement at the appropriate time?

Bazza: Right, that's it, Macca. I've had enough of your nonsense. You've never been the same since you went to Wimbledon and started hob-nobbing with those hoity-toity Pommy crowds. You can turn in your T-shirt, your rubber inflatable kangaroo and your giant green-and-gold finger.

Macca: Can I have me Esky back?

Bazza: All right, fellas, final check list. Aussie flags? Check. Green-and-gold face paint? Check. Fright wigs? Check. OK, ladies and gents, let's go and do this great country proud.

All: Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Oi! Oi! Oi!

rhinds@smh.com.au

© 2005 Sydney Morning Herald

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