From Delirium To A Feral Feeding Frenzy

Sydney Morning Herald

Saturday May 13, 2006

JAMES BONE

Monday, May 8: Doomsday, our bear market analyst, started the day badly by hailing Bill Shorten as our next prime minister.

This sent us into a mild state of shock. No one had heard of Bill Shorten until last week, when he soothed an aggrieved nation with his knowledge of the impact of Kleenex tissues hitting rock five times as hard as my driveway.

As the Phantom Day Traders Investment Roadshow hurtled north, I found myself dwelling on Doomsday's enthusiasm for this strange, gesticulating union boss, at whose feet the nation's media prostrated themselves for a glimpse of Bill's thinking on driveways and Kleenex etc.

Doomsday thought Bill a real all-round expert - one of those latter-day Renaissance men, like Galileo. "Bill knows stuff," said Doomsday. He knows lots of stuff about seismic technology, deep-vein thrombosis, the progress of a plate of steak and chips down a 12-metre pipe, and lots of other things.

This is the sort of man we need to lead this country: a man with vision, a Philosopher King.

As Doomsday blathered away, my mind started to drift to the wonderful floats coming up this week, chiefly Praemium and Aditya Birla, both exceptionally interesting mining companies.Tuesday, May 9: We snapped out of our Shorten-induced delirium to hail the rescue of the two miners: wonderful news, of course, and a real heart-warming moment for our great nation.

The sight of David Koch and Eddie Everywhere heartened us: the way they soothed the miners' kiddies, and popped up between the miners and their wives, with a pen and a contract, as the reunited couples tried to steal their first kiss.

It's always good to see these telly bosses doing their job properly. One can't have these miners going around kissing their wives without a legal deal in place. Our famous miners have got to understand that channels Nine and Seven own their kisses.

Nor should Todd Russell be seen in public hugging his kiddies: again, those hugs are rightly the property of Eddie Everywhere, not the miner, and certainly not the kiddies.Wednesday, May 10: Anyway, we arrived in Mullumbimby last night, with the Winnebago spewing smoke. There to greet us was the entire Mullumbimby Monetarists Day Trading Syndicate. It was truly an inspiring sight: Australia's largest feral community of day traders, resplendent in their rags and little doily hats, dreadlocks and bestial adornments.

We all toasted Mr Costello's Amazing Giveaway Budget, and sat down to work out how best to cope with the prospect of resurgent inflation that will follow.

I do admire the way these vast northern communities of Australia's voluntarily unemployed seem to have reverted in appearance to a crew of extras on the set of Mad Max II. They survive so happily on the dividends payable on shares purchased with their dole cheques, I must admit.

The Monetarists have always invested their dole sensibly and now own a $2 million house in the hills, with a farm, chooks, goats and other interesting species of wildlife.

Eartha, the Monetarists' earth mother, directed us to our rooms, in the west wing of the Monetarists' estate. It was all ecologically sound, with solar panels and non-flushable toilets. Pets were banned of course, so Yogi promptly throttled his hamster.

We all sat down to discuss the stockmarket. The conversation swiftly turned to the new floats: everyone seems to have shares in the uranium mining companies, which was interesting, given that the Monetarists share Professor Valerie Carr-Edwards's concerns about radiation and ethics.Thursday, May 11: "The red-hot gold sector simply had a kick-ass week and I couldn't be more excited," yelped a bloke called Craig, one of Eartha's tribal leaders, from a tribe known as the Rat People. The Rat People have little white mice crawling amid their dreadlocks. It's a sort of symbiotic relationship.

Craig was into American shares, which he described as cool.

Craig especially liked an American stock called NeWave. The stock went bonkers on Tuesday, he said, reading from his US tip sheet, The OTC Journal. It closed on Monday at US27c and hit a high of US44c on Tuesday on 3.5 million shares. If this had been a $US27 stock going to $US47, the talking heads on CNBC would have been drooling over the story.Friday, May 12: We all settled in for our Five Day Global Summit, courtesy of the Mullumbimby Monetarists, who have a riveting schedule prepared.

Tomorrow, for example, we propose to spend eight hours scrutinising the case for investing in ING Real Estate Healthcare Fund, which floats at 11am eastern standard time on Monday.

It will be the 189th new listing on ASX for 2005-06 and the 60th new listing for the 2006 calendar year. Wow - and look at our yellowcake portfolio go!

© 2006 Sydney Morning Herald

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